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up and down. up and down. i have these playlists with great music, fantastic music infact. but for some reason its all the same mood, no matter what kind of day i am having it all leads back to. sometimes i forget, and its great. then other times i dont want to forget cause i have HOPE. but i have or am in the process of giving up. you have to do it to survive unhappiness. just let somethings go. go |
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Hi there computer keypad. How you feelin'? Do you like get pounded every hour? People just use you for their own pleasure? Something poetic, seems we only can write that way when feeling low. We turn our computer on, type in... www.livejournal.com, write the story of our depression that day. Share all our feelings with strangers, allow people into our deepest secrets. People say, "I don't need your help." Why are we writing then? Sharing our feelings is a cry out for help, isn't it? This might be a bit naive, or off. That's all we seem to want, help. But when offered, we paw it down, shouldn't we paw it down? A sense of self-control. Nobody can have complete self-control. When you are offered a hit of anything, or the room upstairs to "fool around" what are you going to do? Say, "yes." Because no matter how bad we don't want it, nobdoy can resist a little ride (pun intended, and not intended). You wake up the next moring, or the morning after, and say, "Shit that was awful, never again... never again." The next weekend you are upstairs again. We learn, but forget what we have learned. But we are young, take the hits... fuck up. We have time. |
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i guess we make them to break them? |
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well someday i will learn not to spend so much money. |
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it has to end to begin. i was broken to many times and wanted to feel whole again. i fell in the trap of being a girl. and it had to happen twice at the same time. i will not hurt again. hurt you again. I am sorry that i did that to you. now i know that i need you, want you, have to have you with me. i dont want to be talked about. god get a fucking habit people, shit. so it will be over soon i feel. i leave soon, then it will be old news. so get over me, it, everything! you are old, jeez. be an adult, tell them you are sorry and that you love them, just dont yell. yelling makes it all worse. im out. |
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Your awesome, seriously awesome. you are one of the most real, sweet, kind greatest people i know. im glad weve been friends for so long now and i hope we can be for a lot longer. haha. maybe it wasnt meant to be. well we had awesome times this year. i will see you. dont change. love you. |
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I thought it was fun while it lasted. Sometimes you have to cut yourself off though. And right now, I am through. I made a fool out of myself. And the funny thing is, I was just standing there. Hum, its not me. So I am finished. This was it. But its so hard to say that and actually follow through with it. I will though, I have self control. |
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Its grey. i miss you. and you. and you. it grows increasingly depressing as the hours slowly creep on by. i feel sick. wow. its not going to work, is it? what do i do? something itsnt working for me. what to do now? jeez-louise. im outa here. |
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im home. sadly, all i can think about is her. you get lonely when you arent in a place you think you should be. i have changed. i left a peice of me there. not good. i miss it all. even the non-stop grey skies. |
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we realize things in life. sometimes they are big, sometimes small. people learn. people fight. but then everything is ok again. sure at times, things absolutely suck. and it seems like life will always be like that. but the thing is, it goes away before you can blink. a new day grows, and you will be happy. the world is harsh, to everyone. but otherwise it would be boring. we wouldnt learn a damn thing from eachother, then we would be fake. say what you feel. say what you want, dont be affraid cause in the end you will be one step closer to...everything? is that the word? anything works too. but we all love one another, even if we say, "i hate you!" its not true, just something that slipped out. it hurts, hurts big time... but you know what, you work it out. and maybe even more is worked out then the word hate. past is the past. future is the future, we should all be happy to have one another. cause we all love eachother, no matter what. in the end, you can forgive. its all good stuff. |
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We love to go back to old times. |
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 We miss eachother. All of us. Sitting waiting for the other to come around the corner and say where have you been my whole life? Ive got a couple shoulders to lean on. It feels nice. Thank you all for caring. But really I am smiling deep down. I am happy. Maybe. Things are just so. Well I guess I could say, "its nice when life is a straight line, so perfect and not confusing." But for the moment its like a spiral, but going in so many directions my head is going crazy. But its the spirals that makes life interesting, right? People put on this jacket that maybe is them, but maybe not. And nobody knows the truth. Maybe not even the wearer. If everything could be the truth. If people said I love you to everyone, cause really we didnt care about if that girl thinks my sweater is ugly. The reason people dont like themselves is because we all judge. For goodness sakes, its just what we have always done. If someone could say she is the nicest girl, and not she isnt even that cute. So what about the flaws, point out the good stuff in a person. Tell them they are beautiful, even they know you think it. Sometimes its nice to hear reasuring words...you are loved. Cause we all are loved. And then there are always going to be those people who wont like you, which is fine. Just as long as they know who you are before the JUDGEMENT is created. |
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I walked on by. Not sure if you cared.? But really thats not what matters to me anymore. Pleasing people in what they you to say Sometimes you have to do things for yourself. Saying something to make you get praised by the leader of the so called, "gang." Other names were used, but for now im disguising it all. I am truly coming out of my closed shell. Becoming someone who I will be forever. Seeing things in my own eyes, not what my father says or my best friends gossips about. Its truly for me, changing. I don't want to be in the shadow anymore, trying to act so utterly fake to myself. Not trying to say I want to stick out of the gang, I just want to be me. Thats all I need right now. Soon enough things will be good again and I will be content with my body, my personality. You all mean so much to me, just sometimes I don't know. Until next time... |
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Time: whats the definition? |
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love like you do. its raining did you know? some people told me im a freak, others said youre my best friend. its days like these, where i know its my fault that i am distant sometimes. i do it to myself. i dont expect you to run after me, but at least give me a hug. ive got great people ALL around me, and for god sakes i cant figure out what to do. i want someone who is permanent, someone i love. who i can do everything with. i want to be someones best friend and i want someone to be my best friend, i want to be the first person you ask to go hang out with. sure you say im your best friend but really the next person is more fun or has better connections or is FUCKING COOLER! forget that shit, it comes down to trust honesty and love. someone who would stand in front of a god damn bullet for you without taken one second to stop and think about it. cause then would they be missing a KICK ASS party? its high school i guess, and i am getting the worst of it. a stage? but really i dont believe in that stuff. stages. its just something someone says cause they dont know what else to say, or try to make you feel better. because i think that everyone changes sure, but really it happens whenever, not in a stage. life isnt stages, its life...we live it, try to love it, and make the best of it. some people wont agree with that statement, maybe i dont either. but somethings just flat out suck. thats all i have to say today... until next time. |
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OUCH. i have been sad before. upset. mad. really angry. but this time its different i feel betrayed. maybe not that word. my own father acted like a 16 year old. something i could do, but never did because of respect. there is this gap between us now, he may not feel it. i do though. it wont be the same, i know he lies to me now. and that truly hurts, not like a broken arm hurt. like a ridiculous pain inside of me. my eyes are droopy. i dont want to say i love you, or hug him goodbye. its really different. now i know what its like to be really lied to. and it doesnt feel good at all. |
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